Okay. Itās time.
The last year and a half has been the most chaotic period of my life. I got married, my grandmother died, my wifeās grandmother died, I moved into (and out of) the city, I went on a honeymoon, I started working long hours in a new industry, I navigated new family dynamics, and the list goes on.
In the last month of relative calm, however, Iāve felt this existential antsiness. I think itās always been there, but the water hasnāt been still enough to notice. Itās a restlessness born from creative deprivation. The last time I felt this way I started this newsletter. The subsequent months were one of the only times Iāve ever felt the gnawing subside.
Now, the internal itchiness has gotten unbearable and I need to pay attention.
Still, I feel anxious over what to do with this platform. I wonder whether itās going to be worthwhile for readers and whether Iām capable of making something that will make me proud. Of course, my neuroses makes me obsess over everything that isnāt writing itself. A small sampling: Whatās my niche? Whatās my interesting, unique point of view? What am I okay to have associated with me until the end of time? Whoās my audience? What if I say something too offensive? What if I say something not offensive enough? What would a close friend think of what I post? What about a complete stranger?
Before I know it, itās dinner time, the page is blank, and Iām more anxious than when I first sat down.
I know the worry is futile. I know deep down the only thing that matters is writing a bunch of bad things until I eventually make something less bad.
My point is this: I donāt know what I need this to be, but I know I need it to be. And so Iām breathing new life back into this while making no promises and setting no expectations. In the first era of Long Way Homeš”, I promised content about the South Asian experience, psychological well-being, and emotional intelligence. In this new era, who knows what I will need to write? Not me, thatās for sure. I will fill my feed with a bunch of bad, fragmented drafts (fiction??) until I stumble across what moves me.
Iām breathing life back into this project so it can somehow breathe life back into me.
Thanks for reading. See you next week.
Restlessly,
Vandan
I have learned that Creativity is the antidote to depression, anxiety, and burnout. The key is to be creative because it brings joy or clarity, not as a way to find fame, make money, or feel relevant. It is a blessing when one can pursue one's creative ideas without worrying about paying the bills. Books I have found helpful are Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert and The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Morning Pages is an excellent exercise to get the tangled threads out of the system so that one can get to the real nuggets of insight/clarity. Good luck!